This conversation took place on a Sunday morning, not exactly a sunny day, between the water bearer and her dear old grandmother. Grams (as I usually call her), sweet and cuddly, is otherwise referred to as the “old crab” on the rare occasions when she turns mean. These rare occasions have been on the rise off late, much to my consternation.
Let me give a background to this funny conversation. Yours truly had been successful in fixing up a meeting with a certain serpent after surmounting all kinds of hurdles which include the serpent’s ability to come up with the most inane excuses to avoid contact with the outside world. You see, it is not a child’s play to make a serpent, a sun-eating sea-serpent may I add to leave his lair when all he wants to do is dream of fish curry and mermaids. But that’s beside the point; let’s just get on with the story.
Glad to finally get hold of an otherwise slithery sulking serpent, Saturday evening, thus was nicely spent indulging in a competition of who-cribs-the-most and generally trying hard to outwit each other. I had conveniently forgotten about an 80-year old crab sitting at home waiting to point out my non-committal response towards time. Needless to say, I had crossed the deadline when I reached the manor.
Grams, in her usual style, opens the door with a wide welcoming smile. I think this is encouraging.
Grams: So my dear you are home…..I have made chocolate pudding for you and there is a surprise item in your dinner today!
Me: Wow! You are the best Grams.
Grams: So, what took you so long in this rain? I was so worried that you would be stuck somewhere. You see, it’s not wise to venture out in such a ghastly rainfall (it was merely drizzling according to me). There will be traffic, some moron might not drive properly and his car may skid, you may be crossing the road and oh god I can’t even imagine what could happen and it is so dark outside (phew! Will she stop?!) No lights on the road, what if a stray dog that’s gone mad bites you or if u catch a bad cold in this weather or …….(etc etc..i will spare you the rest).
Me (rolling eyes): Grams! Stop it. I can take care of myself and it is Not a ghastly rainfall. it is just drizzling.
Grams: You still haven’t told me where have u been.
Me: Er. Didn’t Mom tell you I was tied up at work? (I steal a glance at mother and she gives me the most innocent look)
Grams (raises a suspicious eyebrow): Yes yes she did. Where you really tied up at work? Or did you get stuck somewhere in between?
Me (by now I am struggling with my guilty conscience and kicking myself for having lied to her. I decide to take a shot at telling the truth): Ah…er…actually I left office quite early to meet an old friend, you know to catch up with each other’s lives.
Grams: Oh!
At this point mother jumps in as my saviour like she always does and reminds Grams about dinner.
Grams: Ok. Well you can fill me in the details in the morning. Come dear have your dinner and go to bed.
Needless to say, I thank all the possible gods I can remember and dig in into the pudding and the surprise dinner item (btw that surprise was the yummiest fruit-n-cream salad you can have this side of the world, a Grams special)
On Sunday morning I hoped that granny’s forgetfulness will get the better of her and she wouldn’t remember anything about my sojourn the evening before. Well, I couldn’t be more wrong.
Grams (while continuing with her morning chore of garland-making): so tell me about yesterday’s meeting. Who is this friend?
Me (groggy with sleep and cursing mother to have woken me up so early on a Sunday): Eh? What meeting?
Grams: Wake up sweetie, here, have your coffee and tell me all about it.
Me (sipping the perfect filter coffee again a Grams special which cleared my head): Oh that! Yeah I met Jormund Elver. He is a Midgard fella, nice chap, though occasionally a pain in the neck.
Grams: You met a BOY?!! So late in the evening? Alone?
By now I realised my folly and was fully awake. Damn I should have broken it more gently.
Me (grinning like a cat that has swallowed a ton of fish): Grams! This is not 1860!...its not a big deal meeting a guy on a Saturday evening and alone too. Besides, he is a dear friend and quite trustworthy (I frowned a little on that adjective I had bestowed upon Elver)
Grams( in an alarming tone) : Why are you frowning? Is something wrong? Don't you remember what happened last evening .....
Me: What are talking Grams? Of course I remember. I was just thinking about some unfinished work in office.
Grams (visibly relieved) : Oh! Tell me how long have you two known each other? Midgard? Is he of our caste?
Me (quite exasperated): Oh my sweet grandmama, we met a year ago when we both were struggling to bell the cat.
Grams: Cat? Which cat? You don’t have a cat? Or is there one in this house without my knowledge…how dare you bring a cat into this house…oh god now I will have sprinkle holly water all over…..dear god forgive……(I will spare you again with the rest of the tirade)
Me: Grams! Get a grip on yourself. CAT is Common Admission Test ok! Lot of guys give this test to get into the best institutions.
Grams (heaving a sigh of relief and murmuring a short 3-para prayer to the lord): Don’t use such scary acronyms with me. And you haven’t told me anything about this Jorjune Emeren !
Me (struggling to stifle a laugh): The name is Jormund Elver! He got himself into Norman Midgard, a very well-known institution.
Then I went on to give a short snapshot of the serpent’s life and his whereabouts. Grams didn't look very pleased.
Grams: Sounds like one confused fellow. Confused boys are bad company. And he cribs too, you said. He will be a bad influence on your sunny side darling. No No, I won’t allow that. Besides, water bearers are not supposed to mingle with wonky boys and certainly not serpents.
Me: If anybody is an influence here, it’s my sunshine demeanour on him, trust me and what’s the harm in meeting a non-descript serpent once in a while?
Grams: Don’t you have any girls as friends? Why don’t you meet Rachel? She is a nice girl and from our own caste. Both of you share so much in common.
Me: Huh! Rachel? Has she called me for the past 6 months? She has started to behave like a big shot now. And what are you talking about, caste and silly things? Elver is also my Friend! And I get along much better with boys than girls.
Grams: Why are you defending him so much? Is something going on? Are you two dating?
I choked on my coffee and a fit of cough took over me. Grams, forgot all about her questions and garlands and fussed over me for a while.Let me pause here and explain to you how my grandmother’s mind works. When she asks a question which is disturbing to either of us, she doesn’t wait for the answer. She assumes the worst response and launches into a mourning on her lack of protectiveness toward her dearest grand-daughter.
Grams ( after making sure I am alright): Oh no! Now you are dating …then this would go further….what will I say to our family? What will I say to the soul of my son?... (ok full stop)
At this point, I was flabbergasted. I wanted to pull that garland of marigold from her hands, search for a fellow called God and wring his neck for making me put up with an old crab! Couldn’t he just have pre-programmed her to change according to the change in centuries?!For now I decided to change my strategy. Well you got to help yourself Aqua. I turn into a coy grand-daughter from the devil-may-care water bearer.
Me (prying her fingers off the garland which was a mess by now): Come on grams, for goodness sakes, I am not dating anyone. I have met him, like just 3 times. Look, he is a friend, we met, we spoke and we shared our experiences. That’s it and as for dating and all that silly things, you know me. I have no interest in them whatsoever.
Her nerves showed a little sign of relaxation. Good, my strategy is working.
Grams: Dearest, this is not your fault. The age you are in is quite tricky. You should take care, focus on your work…..don’t go to parties and dates like this…….it is not safe for a girl like you…..you should have taken other friends along….they would have been good protection (yawn!...).....
Me: I am not sixteen, I am a whole 24 years old, quite sane and a mature adult to boot! And gradma, what makes you think i need protection from Elver.
I couldn't help bursting into laughter. Grams was a little amused herself too.
Grams: Ok, I trust you…But you should mingle with well-bred girls from our caste. Look at Betty!....She comes home dot on time…does all the chores…And has only girls as friends. You should be that way….not hobnobbing with serpents. (There we go again!)
Me: Now now don’t you compare me with that oh-so-perfect Betty. I hate it.
Grams: But she is perfect. And there is no harm in learning from your cousins. She knows how to cook…..
Me (rather defiantly): So do I!
Grams: Yes yes …but she knows how to make welcome designs at the doorstep of her home…she knows how to knit….she even knows how to make lovely garlands……her husband whoever it would be, will be a blessed man.
Oh yes blessed indeed, wearing marigold garlands...geez!
Me: Look…I am Me and Betty is Betty. We are like chalk and cheese ok. And I don’t Need to get trained for marital bliss thank you very much!!
Grams (giggling at my discomfort): Ok, you are both very different. But that doesn’t give you leeway to do what you want. So no going out and meeting people, at least not in this rain. And one more thing....don't indulge in any office-related bonding also.Me: Grams! (i shrieked)Grams: Well it's only for your benefit i am warning you dearest.
Me: Fine.
With that one word I called it quits to the conversation leaving a rather smug and sinfully pleased old crab gingerly threading another marigold garland.
